As a business owner, managing boundaries well is a constant challenge.
There are so many pulls on your attention and time - a client needs x, a child needs y, a friend needs z etc.
How do you deliver well, build new leads, create content and complete your accounting submissions?
It feels like you have to be all things to everyone.
You know you need to prioritise better but those early childhood unhelpful core beliefs become front and centre, keeping you stuck or resentful.
This theme came up with a few of my clients this week.
Common thoughts that might resonate:
- I feel mean if I say no
- They won't want to spend time with me next time
- My client will reject me or cancel my contract if I push back
- It's selfish if I put myself first
These definitely resonated with me.
Your predictions are off
Once you break these down further, you realise there is more going on.
It's about the predictions we believe will happen if we asert boundaries, but end up being wrong.
We believe we can read people's minds and predict what they will do.
I wish I had this superpower.
We're sometimes great at inferring what people think based on their behaviour and our experiences, but we also stink at it.
Have you ever asked a friend you've had a disagreement with what they thought your intentions were?
It might surprise you - we're often not as good at predicting why others do what they do.
This describes a common cognitive or thinking error - mind-reading.
Mind-reading occurs when we need certainty and believe we know what others are thinking and why they behave the way they do.
Search for the core beliefs driving your fear of saying no
When you dig deeper beneath the 'I feel mean or selfish' automatic thoughts, you realise there are common core beliefs that drive your everyday thoughts and behaviours.
Core beliefs are our most deeply held assumptions about ourselves, the world, and others.
They are firmly embedded in our thinking and significantly shape our reality and behaviors.
They are the root causes of many of our problems, including our automatic negative thoughts
Positivepsychology.com
Core beliefs are often forged in early childhood, but they can also form in key events during our lifetime.
So, when you want to assert a boundary and the 'I feel mean' tune kicks in, get curious about when this pattern started.
As I have learnt in my coaching studies and working with clients, here are some key core beliefs that sit beneath this:
- We don't do that in this family - maybe your parents or caregivers modelled that putting your needs first wasn't acceptable from a family culture perspective
- I'm not lovable - maybe you felt that you had to be adaptable to other people's need to be loved and accepted. If not, you didn't believe you were worthy of love
- I'll be rejected - maybe you learnt that if you didn't deprioritise your needs versus others, you would be rejected or excluded from being in a group or with loved ones
- I'm not good enough - maybe you were compared to others who were more flexible and amenable than you, resulting in you being judged or treated more harshly and reducing self-worth
These are just some examples, Reader, but do any of these ring true for you?
If so, which ones?
Keep asking yourself why to get to the root
A useful technique to understand your core belief(s) is The 5 Whys. You don't stop at the first reply, but keep going to get to the root cause.
Here's an example:
Problem: I feel mean if I say no to my client.
- Why do you feel mean: I helped them before so if I say no now, they will think I'm mean, which maybe I am
- Why will they think you're mean?: They might think I'm being unreasonable
- Why will they think you're unreasonable?: I usually accommodate what they want so this would be a change in my approach
- Why is it an issue if you change your approach?: If I change my approach, they won't hire me again
- Why is it an issue if they won't hire you again?: It means I can't be successful at my business. It means I'm a failure.
Core belief: I'm a failure.
By going through this process, you cut through the surface thoughts and judgments to get to more deep-seated concerns.
The 'I'm a failure' core belief can be a strong and scary one. Those with Impostor Syndrome may have this core belief at the root of many thoughts that drive over compensatory behaviours.
This might lead to overworking, not saying no to requests that aren't appropriate or not taking enough time off.
You can see how this is a powerful internal driver that contributes to burnout, right?
The next time you want to assert a boundary but come up against conflicting thoughts or feelings, give The 5 Whys technique a go.
It leads to valuable insights that help you make different choices to protect your health and wellbeing more successfully.
Let me know how it goes, Reader.
Take care,
Sabrina
Burnout Coach | Neuroscientist | Art-based Practitioner
P.S. If you want to explore your core beliefs further, book a 1:1 free discovery call with me in April and let's chat.