Somehow, this 4 letter acronym summed up how I've felt for most of my life!
If you've been stressed or burnt out, this is familiar to you too.
Doubt creeps in when you do things you never worried about before, or at least did without wanting to take cover afterwards.
The inner critic gets loud and starts nagging away at all your vulnerabilities.
Mine is called Maeve. She's a cow and pretty harsh.
My FOPO and Maeve's ramblings stopped me sending out this newsletter consistently last year.
What did I ever do to you, Maeve??
I digress.
Luckily, through different techniques over the years, I've largely managed to quieten her down, or at best ignore her mean wittering.
From Unsplash by Khaled Ali
I still struggle with expressing myself or doing certain things because of FOPO at times, but I'm determined to keep it at bay.
What the Heck is FOPO?
FOPO is also known as Allodoxaphobia (proper term for the more severe condition), and it has various causes.
Allodoxaphobia (or FOPO) is thefear of hearing other people’s opinions.
Fearof.net
If you have allodoxaphobia, you may experience intense anxiety and discomfort when you face other people's opinions that are different from your own.
You might also fear sharing your opinions too.
Allodoxaphobia is a relatively uncommon phobia but has familiar symptoms to anxiety.
Physically, this could mean shaking, sweating, upset tummy.
Emotionally, intense fear and panic might appear.
Behaviourally, avoidance is a common coping strategy.
If you fear other people's opinions, whether they conflict or not, you may not be allodoxaphobic, but you might share some of these traits and symptoms.
The FOPO Link to Burnout
I'm talking about FOPO and allodoxaphobia here because I've noticed related traits show up in my burnout clients.
Allowing FOPO to get in the way of what we know needs to be expressed or done leads to boundaries not being enforced, ignoring valuable solutions that need to be shared, or missed contributions based on prior knowledge or experience.
Constantly holding ourselves back or feeling anxious when we fear other people's conflicting opinions can drive people-pleasing behaviour, which increases guilt and shame over time.
It can also drive perfectionism, where we believe if we do everything as perfectly as possible, no one can ever criticise or have a negative opinion about what we've done.
Newsflash: Everyone can criticise and have a negative opinion about you. Even the most 'perfect' person can be at the wrong end of someone who just disagrees.
Often, these unhelpful coping strategies stem from our maladaptive core beliefs -
I'm not good enough
I'm stupid
I'm a failure
If I'm perfect, I'll be worthy of love/care
...and so on...
They're so ingrained, we don't even realise they drive us.
They're also BS and wrong, so you don't have to believe them.
Thoughts aren't facts. You can change or ignore them.
Additionally, we're built to be socially connected, so we survive with the tribe.
It's why social judgement is such a powerful stressor for humans, because most of us have an innate need to be accepted and seen, especially by those whose opinions we value.
I've seen incredibly capable and competent people second-guess themselves and remain quiet or hold back due to FOPO.
Or if they do state their opinions and are challenged or shot down, they become heartbroken and overwhelmed with shame.
Unhelpful overworking behaviours and coping strategies appear.
They start neglecting self-care and restorative hobbies.
They stop taking risks and challenging themselves.
Cynicism and frustration kicks in.
Burnout creeps in.
Ultimately, it's not a sustainable approach, but as with many things in life, we can do something about it.
Top Tips to Ditch Your FOPO
It's important to realise we'll never please everyone all of the time, Reader.
It's also true that chasing acceptance at the cost of who we are and want to be is a waste of a good life.
So if FOPO is holding you back, or stopping you from getting things done, try these top tips instead:
1. Score your FOPO discomfort
Feeling discomfort or distress can be overwhelming, and we want to avoid, ignore or forget it exists.
But it comes back with a vengeance.
Reflect on when FOPO appears and what it stops you from doing.
Get specific.
Write down or record what this is costing you.
Score out of 10 your level of discomfort (1 - low, 10 - high).
Then get clear on how you can reduce your discomfort score.
What steps will bring that number down?
Decide when you'll take the first micro-step towards helpful action.
Take action and see how reality feels against your discomfort score.
Keep going until you get all the micro-steps done.
2. Remind yourself of why your opinion is valuable
Reflect on your wins and successes.
What are you most proud of?
What did you do or contribute to make these happen?
What skills and experience did you bring to achieve these?
Write down your top 3 and keep these with you.
The next time your FOPO kicks in, look at your list.
Remember why your unique combination of traits means you should be here and have a valuable contribution to make.
No one else offers what you do. That is important.
3. Practice saying no
Assertiveness is a skill not a trait.
Sure some people are naturally more assertive, but you can build your capabilities and get better at it.
Build up your tolerance for saying no and get used to how uncomfortable it makes you feel.
This is what therapist and educator Nick Wignall calls the Assertiveness Ladder.
Write down all the things you want to be assertive about.
Score these 1 to 10 (1 - easiest, 10 - hardest)
Starting with number 1 on your list, decide when, where and how you'll do this.
Use some of the techniques in point 1 above to help manage your discomfort if this gets in the way.
Keep moving up the Assertiveness Ladder as you get used to saying no in harder situations.
I bet if you share your list with someone else, you might notice you find different things easier or harder.
It's so subjective so create a personalised strategy that works for you.
FOPO Highlights What Matters To You
I'm always curious about what we learn from the difficulties and challenges we face in life.
A good way to discover your core values, for example, is to hone in on what makes you angry.
Our emotions, even negative ones, give us useful insights into where to focus and what we can do differently to drive personal growth and recovery.
What's important to remember though, is that FOPO spotlights what you care about.
Make sure you decide whether that's where your attention should be though, and if it moves you forward. Reader.
If not, you can let go and move onto the next task that WILL make a difference.
Burnout Coach, Neuroscientist and Art-based Practitioner, helping business owners and leaders overcome burnout, improve focus and reduce overwhelm to manage a fab business and life they love. I write about personal growth, lifestyle, relationships and work.